What to Begin With: Strengths or Struggles? Crafting Your Feedback Strategy for Optimal Growth

A surprisingly simple way to make feedback land better, for both sides

Let’s talk about what we usually try to avoid: 

Feedback conversations are uncomfortable.
Not just for the person receiving the feedback, but for the person giving it too.

 

Managers worry:
Will I say it right? Will they take it the wrong way? Will this hurt the relationship?

 

Employees wonder:

"Did I miss something? Did I handle that the right way?”
 

And before you’ve said a word, they’ve already started running through possible scenarios in their head.

 

That mental noise creates tension and pulls them into a defensive state, even if you intend to support. If we want feedback to land, we need to start by lowering that pressure, so the person in front of us can actually hear us.

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Setting the Stage Matters More Than You Think

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A feedback conversation doesn’t begin when you start talking.
It begins the moment you set the tone. ​When you create a safe, grounded atmosphere at the start, you lower the emotional noise in the room. That means taking a breath, clarifying what this conversation is about, and giving the other person a chance to reflect.

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Only then is the person truly ready to receive your feedback.

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Right after that comes the moment most managers get stuck.

The moment you’re expected to offer your feedback.

That’s when the next question shows up:

• Should you lead with something positive to keep things safe?

• Should you open with the struggle so you can end on a high note?

• Or go full sandwich, good, bad, good?

 

Most Leaders Default to One of Two Options

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Option 1: Start with Strengths

This feels safer. It builds connection.

But when it’s done automatically, without real intention, it can feel scripted. People tune it out.

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Option 2: Go Straight to the Struggle

This feels honest. But when the trust isn’t there yet, it can feel abrupt or harsh, even if the feedback is spot-on.

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Here’s What I Recommend Instead

 

Offer a choice.

Seriously.
Let the person sitting across from you decide where to begin.

 

Say something like:
"I have two things I want to share, one is something I really appreciate about how you're showing up, and the other is something I think could help you grow even further. Where would you like to start?"
 

It sounds simple. But it changes everything.

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Why Giving Them the Choice Works

When people get to choose where the conversation begins, something shifts.
They feel more in control.
And when we feel more in control, we feel safer.
And when we feel safer, we’re more open to learning.

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That’s not just theory. It’s how the brain works.

 

Surprisingly, in the thousands of conversations I’ve observed or coached through, about 80% of people choose to start with what needs improvement. Not because they want criticism, but because they want to get it over with first, to get the pressure off.

 

When people choose how the conversation begins, they’re more present.
They listen more.
They’re less reactive.
And that makes the entire conversation more productive.

 

The Hidden Bonus

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Want to know the best part?

When you don’t start with a positive by default, your positive feedback actually lands better. Most employees are so anxious waiting for the “but” that they miss the good stuff entirely. 

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By giving them control, you open up space for both messages to be heard.
The growth feedback, and the acknowledgment they deserve. It’s a tiny shift. A single sentence.
But it changes everything.

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Take Your Feedback Conversations to the Next Level

Curious how to turn feedback into real momentum, not just another awkward conversation?
Let’s talk about what’s possible for your team.
Book a discovery call. No commitment, just a real conversation.

Prefer to start on your own?
Download the free Feedback Playbook and get tools that make tough conversations easier.

Or keep exploring with two short reads that dive deeper into what actually makes feedback land.

• The 30-Second Feedback That Actually Changes Behavior Short, simple, and surprisingly powerful. See how a well-timed sentence can spark real change.

• You Don’t Have to Fix Everything at Once: The Hidden Reason Feedback Conversations Fail
  Why trying to solve too much backfires—and what to do instead.